I am young.
Let me love, let my heart break, let me down in my
sorrow and pain, let me do it again and again
The river
The first time I felt love I was 10 years old. I fell in
love with a girl that was born by a river and like a
river rushed straight past me. She had emerald
green eyes that held blue inside. A narrow face and
a laugh that would make my heart yearn for it. She
had such a kind soul but at 10 who really thinks
about love? So I kept it to myself. Every day I woke
with a craving to attain her attention. Some days I’d
tease her. Other days I would throw a ball at her and
run and hide. Most days though I would just stare at
her hoping that for one beautiful moment in time
she would stare at me back. It never happened. She
was too pretty. I was too lame. She was brilliant. I
was woeful. So 10 turned to 11, 11 turned to 12 and
12 turned to 13 and finally I gave up. Looking back
on it now I had no right to be trading blows with
someone so far above my weight
The Cigarette
The second time I felt love was when I was 14 years
old. I fell in love with a girl who questioned
everything I believed in then got mad at me when I
faltered in expressing my ideals. She opened my
eyes to the world. I’ve never met anyone who
pushed me to extremes as much as this girl did. She
craved honesty, openness. One moment she would
make me feel like I was the most amazing thing in
the world the next I would feel absolutely
worthless. She didn’t smile much . She was a thinker you
see. But she was cold. Cold inside. She spat at the
thought of love. She held all the care in the world
but you would never be able to get her to admit it.
She was the biggest lesson I have learned. For all
the pain she caused me, I couldn’t help falling in
love with her. She was someone I knew I couldn’t
be with. Yet someone I craved. She wasn’t a nice
person by any stretch. But she cared. She hurt me
and then patched up my wounds. At the stage of my
life, I guess all I wanted was someone who cared. I
wanted to feel love so deeply I ended up giving
myself away.
Eventually I managed to break free from her. I am
glad I left but I am also glad she was in my life. She
broke me down. But she also built me back up as a
stronger person.
The Swing
The third time I felt love was when I was 15. I fell
in love with a girl who was absolutely mental. She
took me on adventures both in the body and the
mind. We laughed on rooftops we cried in
embraces. It was a passion through and through. We
were a flame in each second we spent together. her
eyes were a grey, she was a mystery. The things she
made me feel cannot be replicate by words. We
didn’t always hit it off. Sometimes we just argued.
Other times. other times it was infatuation.
The type of stuff you see in movies. Kisses in the
rain. Midnight drives. Half the stuff we did wasn’t
even legal. thought of not being with her was
more painful than the risk of being caught. I hung
onto evert word she uttered. I was completely
overwhelmed with a desire for her. I would’ve done
anything for her if she asked. She made me believe
love can last forever.
But… In every love story there is always a but…
As soon as that ideas sunk into my head. Life
happened. On a cool evening while going for a walk
my eyes wandered to find her lip locked with
another. I didn’t feel rage, I didn’t feel anger, I didn’t
even feel grief. Truth be told I stopped feeling. In
that very moment< stopped believing in love. She
hurt me. No. She didn’t hurt me. She made me stop
caring. That’s when I realized that love is a lie. We
are a species designed to use and abuse. The
emotions of others began to mean nothing to me.
Heartbreak is a bitch. I was wronged. So naturally I
wronged others. Decisions I still regret to this day.
The Candle
The fourth time I felt love I was 16. I was loved by
a girl who craved love. A love I repaid with lust. I
craved her body while she craved my mind. Our
bodies were intertwined, inseparable. Her body was
voluptuous, she always wore modest clothes. But I
knew what she did below them. I remember the dip
on her back where my hand lay constantly as we
filled the air with our embrace. I remember the
fullness of her breasts tight up against my chest.
Rising and falling with every breath. The shudder
that ran trough her body with every touch of mine.
The way my bones would turn liquid when she
pressed her waist against me begging for me to taste
her neck still captivate me. The thing that really got
me about her wasn’t her body, though. It was her
smile. That mischievous smile that she had that
made me weak t my knees. It got rid of every
thought in my mind apart from my presence and
hers. Her love and my lust. And so we spent
countless nights together filled with silence that was
only shattered by moans. It would never have
lasted, though. We were a flame. Brighter than the
stars but destined only to burn out. Our desire
reduced to sand and ash. Slowly her body began to
not captivate me. I didn’t crave her embrace. My
phone was constantly filled with missed calls from
her. I didn’t care about her. All I wanted was for her
to touch me, not feel me. The words she uttered
meant nothing to me. once there was nothing left of
her body to explore. I had no use for her. In reality,
I just got bored of her. Looking back on it now she
loved me in a way I had no right to be loved at that
point in my life. She was being played by the
game. She told me I made her feel things I told her
she made me feel things too. The difference was
one of us spoke from the heart and the other didn’t
want to speak at all.
I could never fall in love with someone who I only
lusted. So I let her go. She deserved to be loved and
that could never have been me.
The Drug
I think I am feeling love again. Falling in live with
a girl that has never learned to love. I’m falling in
love with someone who is so naïve. When she
talks to me she still gets nervous. Her tone is still so
soft. I know I shouldn’t love her. But I can’t lose
her. She’s healing me. She’s making me feel things
again. I sleep with the thought of her in my mind. I
wake up the next day with the desire to be with her.
I crave her. I crave her voice telling me about her
day. I crave looking into her eyes and telling her
everything would be okay. In all honesty, I crave
everything about her but her body. Her eyes they’re
sweet but she’s got this look. It usually comes after
a particularly bad joke or really bad flirting. She
stares at me with those eyes that make me stop and
just appreciate her. That’s what gets me about her.
She’s got this whole other dimension that she
doesn’t know yet. For now, she’s a drop of rain
dancing on my fingers. But tomorrow she’s going to
be a waterfall, uncontrollable, untamed. That’s the
day I await. The day when she can look me straight
in the eye after doing something more reckless than
I and simply say “your move”. She whispers
adventure whilst I scream it. But then after holding
the stare for all of about a second and a half she’ll
burst into laughter. She’s grumpy. She’s a whole lotta sassy. But
that’s what makes me love her. Every night I pray
for her happiness. She is my 11:11. I truly do love
her with every fabric of my being.
Not many people know about her. Loving her is a
secret I’ve kept so damn long. But the real kicker
is. Well for as much as I love her. She doesn’t love
me back. She doesn’t write poems about me. Her
friends don’t know who I am. And you know what?
I’m okay with that.
I’m on the cusp of 19 now. I sit in my room I have
felt so much love for so many people. I have felt
pain from so many people. My heart beats for a
person that I have not met yet. The beauty of youth
is we never really know who the “one” is So we
pour our heart into everyone in hopes that they
won’t hurt us. But in all honesty, we know they will
but we do it anyway because if we don’t make
mistakes now how will we truly appreciate love
when it comes. But do we really ever know what
love is? I’ve devoted all my time to finding the
answer yet still am no closer. I think in all honesty
I’ve been so desperate to feel love I still have felt
nothing in comparison to what it’s really like. I
don’t think they are lessons. Lessons for me to
finally love myself. I’d like to believe that one day I
feel something so powerful that it leaves me
gasping for breath. Maybe I’ve felt it, maybe I
haven’t but I know one day I will. That’s for sure,
I’ve got so much life to live. One day I’ll find her or
maybe if I’m lucky she’ll find me.
Let me love, let my heart break, let me down in my
sorrow and pain, let me do it again and again.
